Tuesday, 21 May 2013

7 Worst Bites of All Time



Biting can be pleasurable; of course love bites are a matter of taste, but very often bites can lead to infamy. Rather than be resigned to the kindergarten playground, biting takes place across a wide spectrum of adults.  So whether it’s a full on Hannibal Lector style chomp, a night of passions style nibble of Rihanna or a tooth-frenzy gnaw of a piranha fish you will be intrigued by these stories of a dental nature.
1.       Mike Tyson - When someone has literally been punching you full on in the face you could be forgiven for losing your temper, but when you are a trained athlete, it is perhaps a little less defensible. During a 1997 encounter between the two best of the division, Tyson was a shadow of his meanest self.

Time heals all wounds….apart from ear flap tissue

Fighting like a man beaten from the first bell, which was until Tyson decided to bring out the enamel attack, biting so hard to tear his opponents ear flap. The tasty chunk of Holyfield ear tarred Tyson, the convicted rapist, as a thug, destroyed his legacy as a fantastic boxer and gave us an unsavoury glimpse into the insight of a madman. The bite is a banned move in the sport of Boxing, a sport so brutal it leads to death, which was rocked by the George A. Romero inspired scene of flesh eating, not technically eating, granted, because he didn’t swallow.
Since this incident, we are now subjected to cameo, self-mocking appearances in Hollywood movies. Perhaps the new Evil Dead missed a trick, of course with zombies so popular we may see a Scary Movie film with him appearing….oh wait a minute we already have, pictured at the premier of Scary Movie 5 pretending to bite Charlie Sheens ear. Nice to know we can laugh about it all now.


2.       Lagos Politician – Coming home to find a burglar in your home is your best chance to kill someone without conviction. An intruder in the process of stealing your stuff is fair game, for at least a swift swing of a nearby baseball bat.
In Nigeria they enjoy gun ownership, which given the enormous crime rates seems like a good idea. On encountering an intruder in his home, the politician began to beat one of the assailants, with no firearm to hand he resorted to biting him into submission. Sounds like a straight forward ordeal right? Wrong, the would-be burglar claims “look at my body, all the injuries were from the man. He even injured me on my penis. He beat me black and blue.” Nigeria is a notoriously rough place, crime is out of control due to the large amounts of poverty, but if even the ruling classes are legitimate targets it shows just the extent of the problem.

Lagos Prison busier than a McDonalds in Detroit

Imagine trying to break into the Bush residence, not only would you probably end up dead, your records would be wiped and you probably would have never existed, at least according to all official records. The only shame about this Nigerian tale is that you cannot bite the bastards that keep sending you those scam emails, you know the ones, about their dear dead granddad who left them $8million.

3.       Luis Saurez - Once bitten twice shy, so the saying goes. But not for this diminutive little rascal, the Uruguayan having been twice punished for biting opponents. Now plying his trade in England, for one of the most successful sporting clubs in the world, Liverpool FC, the spotlight literally shone on his bizarre bite of Chelsea defender Ivanovic. Serving a ten game ban, three games more than his previous ban for the same offence, will mean Saurez chances of winning player of the year have taken a bigger dive than his usual penalty box acrobatics.

Saurez in his natural habitat

If you have never seen Saurez, imagine a beaver with really dark hair walking on two legs, you could be forgiven for mistaking his giant teeth for those of a wild Mr Ed. Having large gnashers does not excuse the use of them for violent means, it’s not like you see Minnie Driver go about biting Matt Damon, however it does mean he is simply using his natural assets.
Let us not judge too harshly Saurez, after all he ply’s his trade in a league that has seen Cantona’s flying kick into the face of an opposing fan, and earlier this season Hazard kick a ball boy who was time wasting, yes an actual 17 year old kid.

4.       Marv Albert – If you don’t know his name you clearly haven’t been to the Basketball hall of fame. Working for NBC on not only basketball but also Super Bowls, he is seen as one of the greatest sports caster of all time.

Arrested for Crimes against Wigs

Being a renowned sports-caster now affords celebrity status and with so many sports fans listening to your every word it is often hard to escape the limelight. But when the cameras were turned on Marv in 1997 it proved to be his bite that got him caught. Charged with sexual assault (forced sodomy) he pleaded guilty following the positive id from his bite marks on the victim. Like some kind of CSI Vegas episode, this piecing together of evidence just shows that modern technology is ahead of the game; good news should Vampires ever start to roam the earth (I’d like to see Robert Pattison escape the FBI).
The sodomy charge was dropped and the final verdict was a Guilty plea to misdemeanour assault and battery, to which the 12 month suspended sentence was deemed fair, and Marv was sacked, rightly so, from NBC due to the scandal. Strangely however in 2 years he was reappointed and to this day continues to commentate on American sport, we can presume he doesn’t get many locker room interviews.


5.       Oliver Cromwell  (Malaria Bite) - Perhaps one of the most influential protagonists of sectarianism in the UK, still felt to this day, the hatred between Protestant and Catholic Christians rose dramatically during his campaign. Killing many soldiers and inhabitants, he sought to distinguish the Catholic influence on Ireland and Scotland.

Rocking the Collar over Armour look!
Meeting his end thanks to malaria, an all too common disease brought about mainly from the bites of mosquitos. Cromwell’s religious hatred knew no bounds, with many of his general’s responsible for thousands of slaves being sent from Ireland to the Caribbean. Although well celebrated in English history, he died not in battle or by the sword of his foe, but by the simple blood sucking parasite that plagues many of us during warm weather. This ironically natural end to a man, to this day divisive in UK opinions, is somewhat fitting. Had he been killed by a warfare defeat perhaps his legacy would not be so strong?  59 years old was a decent length of life for his day given the amount of disease and pestilence in England during 16th century.
His body was posthumously executed (yes they actually dug up his corpse and carried out an execution), a good way to ensure he will never return as a walker. The ritual was performed for his participation in the overthrowing of the monarchy and resultant execution of Charles the I. What a lovely period in history this was; disease, religious war, Ruling powers overthrown like a pillow being turned on a hot night, it does sound slightly familiar though. Perhaps we should reinvent posthumous execution for the likes of Bin Laden, HBO would get the pay per view rights of course.


6.       Precious Reynolds (Rabies Bite) - Rabies kills once symptoms begin to manifest, hence why so many people get vaccinated as soon as they are bitten by potential carrier. This can be pretty much any animal that isn’t domestic, the main culprit being Bats, which explains the crazy behaviour of Bruce Wayne. This little 8 year old girl is the third person to ever survive Rabies in US history. It is unknown why people have survived, and also very difficult to tell if an animal is a carrier, the offending animal in this nasty tale was in fact a cat, as claimed by Precious herself “it looked like an ordinary cat”.

Sticking to the stuffed Animals from now on
Interestingly all three survivors have been children with the treatment response used dubbed the Milwaukee protocol, involving induced coma followed by intensive antibiotic treatment. But the debate opens up further questions, firstly perhaps the survival stats are all bullshit? There have been cases of survival from Rabies with no medical intervention, presumably there have been others that just never made it to the record books. So how would you know it was rabies and not just a terrible flu?
The Milwaukee protocol type of treatment seeks to avoid any brain injury, although extensive rehabilitation and physiotherapy is required, the best advice if bitten by any animal is to get the vaccine, that’s if you know you have been bitten at all. Don’t consider trying to get a bat to bite you whilst holding a stick of uranium, it won’t turn you into Batman, it will simply kill you.


7.       Priscilla Vaughn – Ever tried to meet a girl from the internet for some NSA (No Strings attached) sex? The notoriety of craigslist hook ups is now world renowned, documented on porn sites across the globe. You can assume at the worst it will turn out to be a bloke right? What about if it turned into NBA(No Balls Attached) sex, in this zombie style attack, Priscilla, who was outed as an escort showing there is no such thing as a free meal (or shag), decided to repeatedly bite her internet lover. And I don’t mean small hickies.

Not a Good Craiglist Date!

When help arrived the man was covered in blood, presumably the assailant felt guilty and decided to call the police. But most disturbingly at the crime scene police found his testicles in a trash can. Having seen enough episodes of teen mom I take all the necessary precautions to prevent disease and pregnancy, but putting my testicles in another room seems like the ultimate safe sex.
This nightmarish tale of sex gone wrong should serve as a warning to never trust an online conversation. At least in this story the potential lover was a woman, but unfortunately, she also turned out to be a biter, who easily went too far in her bedroom nibbles.