Biting can be pleasurable; of course love bites are a matter
of taste, but very often bites can lead to infamy. Rather than be resigned to
the kindergarten playground, biting takes place across a wide spectrum of
adults. So whether it’s a full on
Hannibal Lector style chomp, a night of passions style nibble of Rihanna or a
tooth-frenzy gnaw of a piranha fish you will be intrigued by these stories of a
dental nature.
1.
Mike
Tyson - When someone has literally been punching you full on in the face
you could be forgiven for losing your temper, but when you are a trained
athlete, it is perhaps a little less defensible. During a 1997 encounter
between the two best of the division, Tyson was a shadow of his meanest self.
Time
heals all wounds….apart from ear flap tissue
Fighting like a man beaten from the first
bell, which was until Tyson decided to bring out the enamel attack, biting so
hard to tear his opponents ear flap. The tasty chunk of Holyfield ear tarred
Tyson, the convicted rapist, as a thug, destroyed his legacy as a fantastic
boxer and gave us an unsavoury glimpse into the insight of a madman. The bite
is a banned move in the sport of Boxing, a sport so brutal it leads to death,
which was rocked by the George A. Romero inspired scene of flesh eating, not
technically eating, granted, because he didn’t swallow.
Since this incident, we are now subjected
to cameo, self-mocking appearances in Hollywood movies. Perhaps the new Evil
Dead missed a trick, of course with zombies so popular we may see a Scary Movie
film with him appearing….oh wait a minute we already have, pictured at the
premier of Scary Movie 5 pretending to bite Charlie Sheens ear. Nice to know we
can laugh about it all now.
2.
Lagos
Politician – Coming home to find a burglar in your home is your best chance
to kill someone without conviction. An intruder in the process of stealing your
stuff is fair game, for at least a swift swing of a nearby baseball bat.
In Nigeria they enjoy gun ownership, which
given the enormous crime rates seems like a good idea. On encountering an
intruder in his home, the politician began to beat one of the assailants, with
no firearm to hand he resorted to biting him into submission. Sounds like a
straight forward ordeal right? Wrong, the would-be burglar claims “look at my
body, all the injuries were from the man. He even injured me on my penis. He
beat me black and blue.” Nigeria is a notoriously rough place, crime is out of
control due to the large amounts of poverty, but if even the ruling classes are
legitimate targets it shows just the extent of the problem.
Lagos
Prison busier than a McDonalds in Detroit
Imagine trying to break into the Bush
residence, not only would you probably end up dead, your records would be wiped
and you probably would have never existed, at least according to all official
records. The only shame about this Nigerian tale is that you cannot bite the
bastards that keep sending you those scam emails, you know the ones, about
their dear dead granddad who left them $8million.
3.
Luis
Saurez - Once bitten twice shy, so the saying goes. But not for this
diminutive little rascal, the Uruguayan having been twice punished for biting
opponents. Now plying his trade in England, for one of the most successful
sporting clubs in the world, Liverpool FC, the spotlight literally shone on his
bizarre bite of Chelsea defender Ivanovic. Serving a ten game ban, three games
more than his previous ban for the same offence, will mean Saurez chances of
winning player of the year have taken a bigger dive than his usual penalty box
acrobatics.
Saurez
in his natural habitat
If you have never seen Saurez, imagine a
beaver with really dark hair walking on two legs, you could be forgiven for
mistaking his giant teeth for those of a wild Mr Ed. Having large gnashers does
not excuse the use of them for violent means, it’s not like you see Minnie Driver
go about biting Matt Damon, however it does mean he is simply using his natural
assets.
Let us not judge too harshly Saurez, after
all he ply’s his trade in a league that has seen Cantona’s flying kick into the
face of an opposing fan, and earlier this season Hazard kick a ball boy who was
time wasting, yes an actual 17 year old kid.
4.
Marv
Albert – If you don’t know his name you clearly haven’t been to the
Basketball hall of fame. Working for NBC on not only basketball but also Super
Bowls, he is seen as one of the greatest sports caster of all time.
Arrested
for Crimes against Wigs
Being a renowned sports-caster now affords
celebrity status and with so many sports fans listening to your every word it
is often hard to escape the limelight. But when the cameras were turned on Marv
in 1997 it proved to be his bite that got him caught. Charged with sexual
assault (forced sodomy) he pleaded guilty following the positive id from his
bite marks on the victim. Like some kind of CSI Vegas episode, this piecing
together of evidence just shows that modern technology is ahead of the game;
good news should Vampires ever start to roam the earth (I’d like to see Robert
Pattison escape the FBI).
The sodomy charge was dropped and the final
verdict was a Guilty plea to misdemeanour assault and battery, to which the 12
month suspended sentence was deemed fair, and Marv was sacked, rightly so, from
NBC due to the scandal. Strangely however in 2 years he was reappointed and to
this day continues to commentate on American sport, we can presume he doesn’t
get many locker room interviews.
5.
Oliver
Cromwell (Malaria Bite) - Perhaps
one of the most influential protagonists of sectarianism in the UK, still felt
to this day, the hatred between Protestant and Catholic Christians rose
dramatically during his campaign. Killing many soldiers and inhabitants, he
sought to distinguish the Catholic influence on Ireland and Scotland.
Rocking
the Collar over Armour look!
Meeting his end thanks to malaria, an all
too common disease brought about mainly from the bites of mosquitos. Cromwell’s
religious hatred knew no bounds, with many of his general’s responsible for
thousands of slaves being sent from Ireland to the Caribbean. Although well
celebrated in English history, he died not in battle or by the sword of his
foe, but by the simple blood sucking parasite that plagues many of us during
warm weather. This ironically natural end to a man, to this day divisive in UK opinions,
is somewhat fitting. Had he been killed by a warfare defeat perhaps his legacy
would not be so strong? 59 years old was
a decent length of life for his day given the amount of disease and pestilence
in England during 16th century.
His body was posthumously executed (yes
they actually dug up his corpse and carried out an execution), a good way to
ensure he will never return as a walker. The ritual was performed for his
participation in the overthrowing of the monarchy and resultant execution of
Charles the I. What a lovely period in history this was; disease, religious
war, Ruling powers overthrown like a pillow being turned on a hot night, it does
sound slightly familiar though. Perhaps we should reinvent posthumous execution
for the likes of Bin Laden, HBO would get the pay per view rights of course.
6.
Precious
Reynolds (Rabies Bite) - Rabies kills once symptoms begin to manifest,
hence why so many people get vaccinated as soon as they are bitten by potential
carrier. This can be pretty much any animal that isn’t domestic, the main
culprit being Bats, which explains the crazy behaviour of Bruce Wayne. This
little 8 year old girl is the third person to ever survive Rabies in US
history. It is unknown why people have survived, and also very difficult to
tell if an animal is a carrier, the offending animal in this nasty tale was in
fact a cat, as claimed by Precious herself “it looked like an ordinary cat”.
Sticking to the
stuffed Animals from now on
Interestingly all three survivors have been children
with the treatment response used dubbed the Milwaukee protocol, involving
induced coma followed by intensive antibiotic treatment. But the debate opens
up further questions, firstly perhaps the survival stats are all bullshit? There
have been cases of survival from Rabies with no medical intervention,
presumably there have been others that just never made it to the record books.
So how would you know it was rabies and not just a terrible flu?
The Milwaukee protocol type of treatment
seeks to avoid any brain injury, although extensive rehabilitation and physiotherapy
is required, the best advice if bitten by any animal is to get the vaccine,
that’s if you know you have been bitten at all. Don’t consider trying to get a
bat to bite you whilst holding a stick of uranium, it won’t turn you into
Batman, it will simply kill you.
7.
Priscilla
Vaughn – Ever tried to meet a girl from the internet for some NSA (No
Strings attached) sex? The notoriety of craigslist hook ups is now world
renowned, documented on porn sites across the globe. You can assume at the
worst it will turn out to be a bloke right? What about if it turned into NBA(No
Balls Attached) sex, in this zombie style attack, Priscilla, who was outed as
an escort showing there is no such thing as a free meal (or shag), decided to
repeatedly bite her internet lover. And I don’t mean small hickies.
Not
a Good Craiglist Date!
When help arrived the man was covered in
blood, presumably the assailant felt guilty and decided to call the police. But
most disturbingly at the crime scene police found his testicles in a trash can.
Having seen enough episodes of teen mom I take all the necessary precautions to
prevent disease and pregnancy, but putting my testicles in another room seems
like the ultimate safe sex.
This nightmarish tale of sex gone wrong
should serve as a warning to never trust an online conversation. At least in
this story the potential lover was a woman, but unfortunately, she also turned
out to be a biter, who easily went too far in her bedroom nibbles.
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